EDMONTON, CANADA MAY 16: An Edmonton Oilers fan wearing a Connor McDavid jersey with the iconic number 97 stands in front of a giant replica of the Stanley Cup, just days before the team begins the semi-final round of the Stanley Cup Playoffs, on May 16, 2025, in Edmonton, Alberta, Canada. The Oilers are still awaiting confirmation of their opponent in the Western Conference Final, with the Winnipeg Jets and Dallas Stars still battling for the spot. (Photo by Artur Widak/NurPhoto via Getty Images) | NurPhoto via Getty Images

We handed out reasons for losing to the Eastern Conference on Monday, and since no one shall be spared, it’s time for a look at the Western Conference! If no one in the East is gonna win, then someone from the West has to, right? Wrong!

17. Anaheim Ducks

NEW ACHIEVEMENT! Congratulations, Anaheim: you have paid far too much for a player who has much more to prove and has effectively blasted through the old equilibrium, inflating the market even faster!

Your prize?! A top-heavy (in money, not talent) lineup! You’d better hope Carlsson lives up to that deal or else you’ll drift back into obscurity faster than Louis Mendez barrelled toward that stack of cans back in the Mighty Ducks days. You may not be owned by Disney any longer, but that doesn’t mean your team isn’t a cartoon!

Here to stay! 🦁

Leo Carlsson will be a Duck through the 2030-31 season.#FlyTogether pic.twitter.com/0EXAEUVg0Z
— Anaheim Ducks (@AnaheimDucks) July 9, 2026

18. Calgary Flames

Calgary set the trend of trading away talented Americans, and since Jonathan Huberdeau has gone ghost, I don’t see any real talent or threat coming from Cowtown. It’s going to be another point-and-laugh sort of season, kind of like how Avalanche fans are pointing and laughing at you for ever thinking Cale Makar would force his way home. The Flames won’t win a Stanley Cup because they think they are too good for the Saddledome.

I can’t believe I didn’t see this earlier. You know Iggy is forever a Flames God, but it seems Calgary and the Avs be sharing a lot of talent between us

Makar, Iggy, Kadri… bruh lmao
— Sirenity (@Sirenity_yyc) July 17, 2026

19. Chicago Blackhawks

The Blackhawks keep trying to position themselves by adding talent around Connor Bedard, but keep forgetting that having a decent power play is a good idea. Sure, Bedard seems like he will be a franchise player, but beyond him I see very little scoring. You did, however, sign Bowen Byram, which is a step in the right direction. The problem isn’t that you aren’t walking toward success; it’s that you are walking, not running.

20.Colorado Avalanche

Well, well, well, if it isn’t the Presidents’ Trophy, but can’t-beat-Dallas-or-Vegas: Colorado Avalanche. The Avs won’t win the Stanley Cup because, once again, Jared Bednar will play your generational talents far too much in meaningless regular-season games. We’ve been beaten over the head with a ‘youth movement,’ but that will only last until January meetings where management will decide that none of the guys who played six minutes a night did enough for them. Then they’ll trade one or two for an old fringe middle sixer who won a cup in the 2010’s.

1 is Makar, 2 is Jason Robertson, 3 is Celebrini and 4 is Leo Carlsson (only including Leo due to salary) pic.twitter.com/60LuUu4ro7
— Kaleb Cavalier (@KalebRadio) September 8, 2026

21. Dallas Stars

Dallas won’t win because, although they were smart to land a player like Mikko Rantanen, they were too foolish to consider how it would affect keeping Jason Robertson. They could have both, and they still won’t win a cup because this isn’t the 1990s, and reviews negate any chance they might have at cheating their way to another cup victory. They keep trotting Jamie Benn out there, who is collecting dust faster than the rafters at American Airlines Center.

22. Edmonton Oilers

The Oilers won’t win a cup because they are the Oilers. Connor McDavid passed on breaking the bank so that management in Edmonton could build a team that would finally get over the hump. They responded by bringing in Tristan Jarry to solidify the net. Uh, what exactly was the thought process there? Edmonton’s best player gave them a free $20 to spend at the concessions, and they keep paying too much for day-old and overpriced hot dogs. They won’t return with a cup anytime soon. “OH BUT NOW THEY HAVE ANDERSEN,” okay, pal.

23. Los Angeles Kings

Okay, LA is intriguing in that (I don’t know if you heard this) they were ‘right there’ all series long against the Colorado Avalanche. It’s hard to remember that they got swept that series with how fortified that narrative became. If LA was right there against the Avalanche, I’m ‘right there’ as it pertains to being 7 feet tall. (I am 5 feet 7 inches tall, by the way). LA won’t hoist because this isn’t a league of almosts.

24. Minnesota Wild

The Minnesota Wild were feeling great heading into their matchup with the Avalanche, until Nathan MacKinnon decided to show Quinn Hughes what happens when you stay on the tracks when the train is coming through. Speaking of Quinn Hughes, he wants to buddy up with his brothers in New Jersey, and Billy Guerin isn’t gonna stop him. Minny won’t win a cup because they don’t win cups.

BREAKING NEWS: The @mnwild have officially replaced the light bulbs in their trophy case! #GoAvsGo pic.twitter.com/XpX2zIjGFn
— Adrian Hernandez (@AdoHernandez27) April 20, 2021

25. Nashville Predators

The Colorad… oh wait… the Nashville Predators have entered the chat with new GM Chris MacFarland at the helm. The preds won’t hoist because the cup-or-bust mentality MacFarland weaponizes to move picks will prove detrimental to a team that isn’t even close to resembling a real competitor. Sure, CMac restocked the arsenal of 1st-rounders to deal, but it won’t be long till he uses them as a throw-in on a less-than-capable second-line center.

26. San Jose Sharks

The Sharks dealt MacKenzie Blackwood in hopes that Yaroslov Askarov would become the franchise netminder they needed going into the future. Well, it’s looking rough after his first year as a starter, and the last thing they want is to waste Macklin Celebrini’s youth by giving up four goals a night. You could go after Connor Hellebuyck, but that’s gonna take some doing! Celebrini won’t be celebrating and might not even make the playoffs yet again.

27. Seattle Kraken

The NHL’s expansion darling that got the playbook from Vegas but decided to throw it in the bin. Seattle’s call to fame is beating the Avalanche that one time and booing Cale Makar (yes, still) after his suspension from the previously mentioned playoff series. The Kraken won’t be securing any hardware because they have zero high-end scoring talent and are susceptible to magic.

28. St. Louis Blues

I was gonna say ‘oh, how the mighty have fallen,’ but I wouldn’t consider the one-off 2019 Binnington-led Blues all that mighty. Just like their goalie, this team is all bark and no bite. They pick the fight and then skate to the corner or wait until a piece of trash is available during the press scrum. I’m not even sure who the Blues will go with at left wing and/or what sort of depth they feel they have. Not a cup-winning combo.

29. Utah Mammoth

The Winter Classic will be the highlight of the Utah Mammoth season as it will be the only home game they have that won’t be set at the Zoolander Institute for Teams Who Can’t Hockey Good. I’m not even sure they can fit a banner in that stadium. Maybe above the sections of seats that are pitched like a double black diamond?

Me to Delta Center when they do the fly by shot: #GoAvsGo pic.twitter.com/q4N1n1zEDU
— Adrian Hernandez (@AdoHernandez27) February 26, 2026

30. Vancouver Canucks

Vancouver won’t win a Stanley Cup. I need not expand.

31. Vegas Golden Knights

Money can buy a lot of things in Vegas, but it can’t buy youth. The Golden Knights are like that older gentleman at the nightclub that wears way too much cologne and gold jewelry. Yes, they have the trappings of wealth, but make sure their checking account has enough for another Red Bull. Behind those knockoff Ray-Bans lie the old, tired eyes of an aging core. Mitch Marner was a great playoff performer, but unfortunately it took him too long to escape Toronto.

32. Winnipeg Jets

This one will read very similarly to the reasons I listed for the Detroit Red Wings in part one. Your own starting goalie doesn’t think you are winning a Stanley Cup, so why should I?

#NHLJets captain Adam Lowry on avoiding the Connor Hellebuyck trade request being a distraction: "It's not something that we think is going to really impact the room”

“Until that situation is resolved, we're going to approach it… he's our teammate, our friend, and go from… pic.twitter.com/VAjX6cVjxI
— Connor Hrabchak (@ConnorHrabchak1) September 8, 2026

Disclaimer: this article is satirical in nature.

Jonathan Huberdeau

Streak History

News

Season Chart

Last 10 Games